Crushing End

For the longest time, I've had a nagging crush on a friend from way
back HS, back then, I remember how awkward things were, I was scared
sh*t of rejection... mainly because I wasn't sure of who I was back
then (I was so socially risk averse, well sometimes I still am, that I
had a classmate na we were always the first to arrive in class... and
all I had to do was talk to her... and I couldn't! and this was for 4
straight years... and we'd see each other around quarter to 7 and all
I'd do was wave or not even wave, just grin... Grabe men... anu ba
yun?) so anyway...



I have to thank this old friend of mine, because she probably was also
unsure of herself back then, or maybe I wasn't exactly her type... but
whatever it is I'd like to think we started a friendship because we
talked a lot... our marathon phone conversations were like boot camp
for me in terms of how to deal and talk to girls... and eventually
women... The funny thing is, we were great on the phone, but things
fizzled whenever we were face-to-face... Lord knows how many awkward
moments I had trying to talk to her in class... come to think of it...
siguro hindi niya nga talaga ako type... and siguro ako naman... (dahil
nga men are notoriously bad multi-taskers) I was probably too focused
on her beauty, na I couldn't formulate anything with sense.



And believe me... she's pretty... but in an understated way... which
was why I was happy to be one of the few to see that and be friends
with her... because while all the guys were chasing the popular ones...
I was drawn to her brains... and to her subdued nerdy beauty... 
(parang masamang combination ng words yun ah) So anyway....



So lumipas ang mga araw... and ganun na nga... I ended up just crushing
on her... and eventually getting distracted by other girls... (what can
I say... Zobel... for all the social strata it had... was and remains
to be a mixing pot of really attractive people)



Fast forward to college... I lost touch with her... and siguro she left
an afterimage on my brain so I probably held that crush or attraction
even if we rarely... heck... never... saw each other, and were again
confined to phone conversations. I even thought out my college plans
around her... but then... I decided that I'm better off running things
logically... I thought na if I went to UP Arki instead... since she'd
be going to Ateneo... then maybe finally I'd be able to jumpstart a
connection with her. But then again... mas magaling ang Arki sa UST...
kaya... ayun...



Around 3rd year, we totally lost contact, I was too busy to call her
up, and she was doing her own thing, and for all I know, I was probably
this little thought or figment that pops up like a brain fart
once-in-a-while...



Skipping the next chapters... to the near present... She graduated a
year earlier than I did, and got a great job wherein she was able to
travel and work in Europe... while I was pounding away on the spacebar
and the escape buttons in CAD... Yeah, we'd talk on ym, or mail, or
friendster... and she was obviously enjoying things over there... but
my brain refused to acknowledge how things have changed, I always
maintained that afterimage of how she was back in HS.



I saw her around mid last year... ironic considering I've been working
a stone's throw away from her... alright more like an 80 yard touchdown
pass away... and seeing and talking to her after so long just rattled
me. Because I saw and for a while, didn't believe how much she changed
from the smart, beautiful girl I had 4 hour phone debates with in HS.
(Well, she's still smart, and she's still beautiful)  My, the
world can really add so many new layers on a person... and I'm talking
neutrally here... (meaning there are positive and negative new layers)



Her core is, and will be the same... and thats what I know... and
loved... but the layers I saw, were different... and I'm not sure if I
like them there... well whatever it is, she's still a whole person, and
I have to accept that as a friend.



Life has been different for me, I found myself in college, and I
strengthened my core... added to it, and took a critical stance at
whatever new layers life dared to add onto me.



We still talk... still not face-to-face... but there are times that her
core shows... and those are the moments that I remember how things were
back then...



Well its pointless now, she's obviously doing her own thing, and me,
the same... she's also leaving soon... for much... whiter shores...
while I'm aiming for more... how do I say this... maka-OFW shores...



I learned a lot from her, and I sincerely hope she does well, lives a
great life, and gets the whole package... the picket fence bordering
their 5 acre lot, the house with the porch and the shingled roof, the
SUVs, the hot southern white-guy, the cute mixed-race uber-model kids,
the red grill, and of course... the dogs... probably a rottweiler and a
lab running around the lawn...