The small styro bowl,
with warm macaroni soup,
evokes my childhood
Monday, 27 March 2006
Crushing End
For the longest time, I've had a nagging crush on a friend from way
back HS, back then, I remember how awkward things were, I was scared
sh*t of rejection... mainly because I wasn't sure of who I was back
then (I was so socially risk averse, well sometimes I still am, that I
had a classmate na we were always the first to arrive in class... and
all I had to do was talk to her... and I couldn't! and this was for 4
straight years... and we'd see each other around quarter to 7 and all
I'd do was wave or not even wave, just grin... Grabe men... anu ba
yun?) so anyway...
I have to thank this old friend of mine, because she probably was also
unsure of herself back then, or maybe I wasn't exactly her type... but
whatever it is I'd like to think we started a friendship because we
talked a lot... our marathon phone conversations were like boot camp
for me in terms of how to deal and talk to girls... and eventually
women... The funny thing is, we were great on the phone, but things
fizzled whenever we were face-to-face... Lord knows how many awkward
moments I had trying to talk to her in class... come to think of it...
siguro hindi niya nga talaga ako type... and siguro ako naman... (dahil
nga men are notoriously bad multi-taskers) I was probably too focused
on her beauty, na I couldn't formulate anything with sense.
And believe me... she's pretty... but in an understated way... which
was why I was happy to be one of the few to see that and be friends
with her... because while all the guys were chasing the popular ones...
I was drawn to her brains... and to her subdued nerdy beauty...
(parang masamang combination ng words yun ah) So anyway....
So lumipas ang mga araw... and ganun na nga... I ended up just crushing
on her... and eventually getting distracted by other girls... (what can
I say... Zobel... for all the social strata it had... was and remains
to be a mixing pot of really attractive people)
Fast forward to college... I lost touch with her... and siguro she left
an afterimage on my brain so I probably held that crush or attraction
even if we rarely... heck... never... saw each other, and were again
confined to phone conversations. I even thought out my college plans
around her... but then... I decided that I'm better off running things
logically... I thought na if I went to UP Arki instead... since she'd
be going to Ateneo... then maybe finally I'd be able to jumpstart a
connection with her. But then again... mas magaling ang Arki sa UST...
kaya... ayun...
Around 3rd year, we totally lost contact, I was too busy to call her
up, and she was doing her own thing, and for all I know, I was probably
this little thought or figment that pops up like a brain fart
once-in-a-while...
Skipping the next chapters... to the near present... She graduated a
year earlier than I did, and got a great job wherein she was able to
travel and work in Europe... while I was pounding away on the spacebar
and the escape buttons in CAD... Yeah, we'd talk on ym, or mail, or
friendster... and she was obviously enjoying things over there... but
my brain refused to acknowledge how things have changed, I always
maintained that afterimage of how she was back in HS.
I saw her around mid last year... ironic considering I've been working
a stone's throw away from her... alright more like an 80 yard touchdown
pass away... and seeing and talking to her after so long just rattled
me. Because I saw and for a while, didn't believe how much she changed
from the smart, beautiful girl I had 4 hour phone debates with in HS.
(Well, she's still smart, and she's still beautiful) My, the
world can really add so many new layers on a person... and I'm talking
neutrally here... (meaning there are positive and negative new layers)
Her core is, and will be the same... and thats what I know... and
loved... but the layers I saw, were different... and I'm not sure if I
like them there... well whatever it is, she's still a whole person, and
I have to accept that as a friend.
Life has been different for me, I found myself in college, and I
strengthened my core... added to it, and took a critical stance at
whatever new layers life dared to add onto me.
We still talk... still not face-to-face... but there are times that her
core shows... and those are the moments that I remember how things were
back then...
Well its pointless now, she's obviously doing her own thing, and me,
the same... she's also leaving soon... for much... whiter shores...
while I'm aiming for more... how do I say this... maka-OFW shores...
I learned a lot from her, and I sincerely hope she does well, lives a
great life, and gets the whole package... the picket fence bordering
their 5 acre lot, the house with the porch and the shingled roof, the
SUVs, the hot southern white-guy, the cute mixed-race uber-model kids,
the red grill, and of course... the dogs... probably a rottweiler and a
lab running around the lawn...
back HS, back then, I remember how awkward things were, I was scared
sh*t of rejection... mainly because I wasn't sure of who I was back
then (I was so socially risk averse, well sometimes I still am, that I
had a classmate na we were always the first to arrive in class... and
all I had to do was talk to her... and I couldn't! and this was for 4
straight years... and we'd see each other around quarter to 7 and all
I'd do was wave or not even wave, just grin... Grabe men... anu ba
yun?) so anyway...
I have to thank this old friend of mine, because she probably was also
unsure of herself back then, or maybe I wasn't exactly her type... but
whatever it is I'd like to think we started a friendship because we
talked a lot... our marathon phone conversations were like boot camp
for me in terms of how to deal and talk to girls... and eventually
women... The funny thing is, we were great on the phone, but things
fizzled whenever we were face-to-face... Lord knows how many awkward
moments I had trying to talk to her in class... come to think of it...
siguro hindi niya nga talaga ako type... and siguro ako naman... (dahil
nga men are notoriously bad multi-taskers) I was probably too focused
on her beauty, na I couldn't formulate anything with sense.
And believe me... she's pretty... but in an understated way... which
was why I was happy to be one of the few to see that and be friends
with her... because while all the guys were chasing the popular ones...
I was drawn to her brains... and to her subdued nerdy beauty...
(parang masamang combination ng words yun ah) So anyway....
So lumipas ang mga araw... and ganun na nga... I ended up just crushing
on her... and eventually getting distracted by other girls... (what can
I say... Zobel... for all the social strata it had... was and remains
to be a mixing pot of really attractive people)
Fast forward to college... I lost touch with her... and siguro she left
an afterimage on my brain so I probably held that crush or attraction
even if we rarely... heck... never... saw each other, and were again
confined to phone conversations. I even thought out my college plans
around her... but then... I decided that I'm better off running things
logically... I thought na if I went to UP Arki instead... since she'd
be going to Ateneo... then maybe finally I'd be able to jumpstart a
connection with her. But then again... mas magaling ang Arki sa UST...
kaya... ayun...
Around 3rd year, we totally lost contact, I was too busy to call her
up, and she was doing her own thing, and for all I know, I was probably
this little thought or figment that pops up like a brain fart
once-in-a-while...
Skipping the next chapters... to the near present... She graduated a
year earlier than I did, and got a great job wherein she was able to
travel and work in Europe... while I was pounding away on the spacebar
and the escape buttons in CAD... Yeah, we'd talk on ym, or mail, or
friendster... and she was obviously enjoying things over there... but
my brain refused to acknowledge how things have changed, I always
maintained that afterimage of how she was back in HS.
I saw her around mid last year... ironic considering I've been working
a stone's throw away from her... alright more like an 80 yard touchdown
pass away... and seeing and talking to her after so long just rattled
me. Because I saw and for a while, didn't believe how much she changed
from the smart, beautiful girl I had 4 hour phone debates with in HS.
(Well, she's still smart, and she's still beautiful) My, the
world can really add so many new layers on a person... and I'm talking
neutrally here... (meaning there are positive and negative new layers)
Her core is, and will be the same... and thats what I know... and
loved... but the layers I saw, were different... and I'm not sure if I
like them there... well whatever it is, she's still a whole person, and
I have to accept that as a friend.
Life has been different for me, I found myself in college, and I
strengthened my core... added to it, and took a critical stance at
whatever new layers life dared to add onto me.
We still talk... still not face-to-face... but there are times that her
core shows... and those are the moments that I remember how things were
back then...
Well its pointless now, she's obviously doing her own thing, and me,
the same... she's also leaving soon... for much... whiter shores...
while I'm aiming for more... how do I say this... maka-OFW shores...
I learned a lot from her, and I sincerely hope she does well, lives a
great life, and gets the whole package... the picket fence bordering
their 5 acre lot, the house with the porch and the shingled roof, the
SUVs, the hot southern white-guy, the cute mixed-race uber-model kids,
the red grill, and of course... the dogs... probably a rottweiler and a
lab running around the lawn...
Better Man by Pearl Jam
Waitin’, watchin’ the clock, it’s four o’clock, it’s got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man...
Can’t find a better man (2x)
Ohh...
Talkin’ to herself, there’s no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he’s gone
She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, can’t find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man...
Can’t find a better man (2x)
Yeah...
She loved him, yeah...she don’t want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah...that’s why she’ll be back again
Can’t find a better man (3x)
Can’t find a better...man...
Ohh...ohh...
Uh huh... (5x)
Ohh...
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man...
Can’t find a better man (2x)
Ohh...
Talkin’ to herself, there’s no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he’s gone
She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, can’t find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man...
Can’t find a better man (2x)
Yeah...
She loved him, yeah...she don’t want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah...that’s why she’ll be back again
Can’t find a better man (3x)
Can’t find a better...man...
Ohh...ohh...
Uh huh... (5x)
Ohh...
Sunday, 26 March 2006
Long overdue update
The past couple of weeks were a whirlwind of activity, with me juggling
several deadline targets... The mini-projects I've been
coordinating in Laguna have now been accelerated because of a golf
tournament to be held there... hassle men... I think I spend more time
on the road than actually working... but one cool perk of working
on a golf course... I get free lunch c/o the club manager
hehehe... kasi I'm the one fixing all his wish lists for the
facility... kaya ayun... go figure. Juggle that with 2 presentations
for projects in the pipeline... my brain is shifting between design, to
production, to coordination, to problem solving... all in 5 mins.
Its not that I'm complaining, I actually enjoy the work because I'm
squeezing my brains to get things done, and I'm learning a lot from
it... but I kinda feel that I'm compromising quality because of the all
task-switching I've had to do.
At least I'm too busy to think about my non-existent love-life, but the
problem is that, the work has also started to take its toll on my...
discipline... I've started to eat bad stuff again... which is... bad...
hehehe and I've lost a few good habits... such as praying and reading
the bible... a lot of my good friends and coworkers have told me that
I've become particularly antsy, harrassing, stressful lately... hmmmm...
I guess I have to run a reboot and get things back on track... I don't want to backslide into bad habits again.
Wednesday, 8 March 2006
Reassigned
And so the subdivision project I was working on for the past 5 months was finally put to rest, this prompts my veep to reassign me to another boss for another project. It involves a lot of site coordination and management, and its really exciting because its a change-of-pace and it gives me the chance to learn new stuff on the site.
Its been good so far, I jive well with my new boss, he gives me leeway with decisions and matters of aesthetics, but the thing is, my job has mostly been about patching up the oversights that the project's main architects have let through. Its alarming because, you'd expect more from them, but they seem to be coasting along with their work.
One more thing, how can I have a sense of authorship over the project, when its not mine in the first place, and if thats the case, shouldn't they take the lead in fixing their own mistakes?
It sucks to cover their ass for them.
When I was doing schematic plans and designs, I was frustrated because I wasn't being tapped to implement the work... I don't get to see the realization of my ideas.
Now that I'm working on site, its frustrating because the problems that I'm solving now could have easily been prevented had I helped out in the scheme/concept in the first place.
Oh well... Its all part of the long, arduous, frustrating learning process... I wonder how many more years will I have to be in the making before I get to see my own lines on paper get built on site.
As Eero said: "Architecture evolves in elephant time" ... so do the people involved with it.
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