How to become a Famous Architect
a brief step by step guide.
This
is not a cynical exercise. It is a guide which will help you navigate
the strange world of design. It will help you achieve what you deserve
only if you believe in yourself. Don't fake it.
Becoming
a famous architect shouldn't take too long, but don't expect too much.
Its not a passport to riches, nor an introduction to high society. But
if its what you want, here's how to do it.
First,
pay a visit to any well stocked newsagent. Buy one copy of each design
magazine. You will use these to find out what not to do.
Now
go to your local remaindered book store. Buy a copy of a design book
with lots of pictures in. Not only is the remaindered store cheaper,
but its stock is between ten to fifteen years old. These are the least
fashionable and so most shocking of all styles. You will use this to
copy your new designs from.
On
the way home, choose a name for your cutting edge design firm.
Something punchy, arty, and a little stupid should do. There are not
too many rules about this but make sure it doesn't include ¨urban¨ or
¨studio¨. Your name will present an efficient image, suggest an office
in a fashionable part of town, and a committed workforce. No one will
know that you are really operating out of your bedroom.
Now
that you have a name, you need a project. It must be a radical design
of a house. It needs a catchy title. Pick a popular word or phrase,
then add house to the end of it. If it sounds good, it is good. Scan in
some of the pictures from your new book. Scan in some other pictures
you like. Stick them together in the latest version of Photoshop. Play
around until you get a nice picture that you can believe in. Check that
it doesn't look too much like the pictures in your magazines.
Now
its time to develop your mystique. This is all important, because it is
what you are selling. Remember, you won't have to design a building for
at least ten years. And in this time you will live off your mystique,
so make it good. Mystique is what you say, and the way that you say it.
If you come from continental Europe,
great. If you don't, pretend that you do. Mystique should also suggest
revolutionary politics and french philosophy. Don't talk about these
things directly as it never makes good copy and will only confuse you.
In
order to alert the magazines, you must write a press release. This
should be full of your mystique, good copy, and have your telephone
number on it.
Know
your audience: Journalists. Its important to remember that design
journalists are desperate for anything interesting. This is because
architecture is mainly boring. So be interesting. Make outlandish
claims; tell them everything they know is wrong; most of all, be
prepared to have a radical opinion on anything that may crop up in
conversation. They will print it and thank you.
Fax your press release to the magazines. The numbers are in the magazines you bought earlier.
No
rest yet, because you must now prepare the packs that you will send
out. You will be too busy answering the inevitable calls over the next
few days, so do it now. The pack should contain your new picture and a
radical design statement (see how useful developing that mystique was?).
When
the phone starts ringing, you know what to do: Use your cutting edge
firms name, your exciting new house title, and your fascinating
mystique to full effect. When the phone stops ringing, go to the post
office and send your project packs out.
Now
its time to relax. Head on down to a fashionable architects bar (you
will recognize it by its converted industrial look, expensive bar
snacks, and people with strange glasses on). Enjoy yourself, but
remember your mystique! All you need to do now is remember to buy the
magazines that you feature in.
Welcome to the world of international design.
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