Of Anakin and Luke Skywalker, Prisoners, Practice and a School of Parenting...

 

Continuing with the Star Wars line of thought… I am a panganay, the eldest son of 3 offspring, (2 girls followed after me). And as such, I am also subject to the perks and pains of being the first born. I’m sure other first-born kids would relate very well with what I will be talking about.

 

My Tita Tetos, a very bright academician, a teacher and a mentor to her students in Canada is also a panganay, she was coaxed, cajoled and pushed by my strict, disciplinarian, yet sickly lolo (he had to stop working because he got sick due to stress caused by his duties as a Professor in Mining Engineering in Adamson University) to excel and work hard in order to help her family out. Because of this, she grew angstful and rebellious. My mom would tell me that she would go up the stairs with heavy footsteps and declare… “Ayoko na dito sa Pilipinas!”, and so… upon graduating, she took a Fulbright scholarship to the University of Chicago and took her masters and PhD in Sociology and Demography.

 

This was during the martial law years, and she decided not to go back to the Philippines when she realized that our country’s turmoil at that time was not a very healthy ground to sow seeds on. Its sad, because in a way, other people of her generation did the same, in a way, becoming the aborted generation of Filipino minds, teachers, artists, etc. But that’s a little beside the point, she saved and scrimped very hard in order to keep her living costs low, in order for her to send a portion of her scholarship stipend back to the Philippines to help out my Mom’s family survive.

 

This continued even after her graduation and her eventual tenure as a professor in a University in Canada, she continued to send money back home in order to help sustain my then ailing lolo and struggling lola. When my lolo died, my tita couldn’t get herself to go back home, coming up with excuses as to why… it also repeated itself when my lola passed away in 2003, instead of coming home to a reunion of sorts (in my entire mother’s side of the family, we are the only ones remaining here in the Philippines, everyone else has left for Canada or Australia) she decided to remain in Canada, for health reasons daw. But then, if you consider the gravity of the occasion, I really thing it’s a bit unjustified. But being a panganay, I kinda get a feel for what she was thinking and feeling. The wave of angst and pain must have been overwhelming, as well as the guilty relief that would have swept over her. She did say this though: “The first born is the prisoner of the family.”

 

The story has parallels with my father, who was also raised by a very strict, disciplinarian father (my papang) who was also an academician… who also imposed his will on my dad. My dad rebelled and was bull-headed at an earlier age, deciding to take up Architecture instead of Accountancy/Business, which my lolo was pushing on him. For this, I think, he would have paid (of course I’m not privy to the details) but I’m sure, knowing how strict Papang was when he was younger, he would have made life very difficult for my dad.

 

When my papang passed away, my dad couldn’t even look at his corpse or even come up to touch him at the hospital. Its not that my dad was queasy, but I felt it as more of fear and angst as to what has happened before. Believe me when I say that it has left an indelible mark on my dad. It is something that has befuddled my entire family to no end, and as a panganay, it has also left a huge imprint on me, my behavior, my thoughts and my entire existence.

 

I’m sure this story is repeated many times the world over, especially in patriarchal societies like ours, I’m positive that I’m not the only one around. All panganays carry that in them (of course I’m not so sure about the other siblings… maaring dala din nila, pero hindi kasing bigat ng dala ni kuya/ate).

 

Ever since magkamalay ako and I was able to use my brain, I remember trying to reach out to him. Everything, from my choice of profession to how I behave, to how I am the only one in my family who can put up with his idiosyncrasies, everything I’ve done so far has been to reach out to him and try to make things right.

 

I don’t know how things will be for me, if I do get blessed with children, I’m not sure how I would handle the task of bringing them up. All I know is that the blueprint that’s being repeated/reused definitely needs a bit more updating for the changing times.

 

But then I realize that parents, are human beings too. And that maybe the tough upbringing of the kids is brought about also by their lack of practice, they might not have any idea on how to do it, except for what’s been done to them, thus perpetuating the cycle.

 

Maybe kulang lang ang new parents sa practice, or better yet, kulang din sila sa training. Maybe there should be a school specializing on good parenting and family life. But then, how weird and surreal would it be if AMA opens up a St. Mary and Joseph School of Parenting and Family Life diba?

 

So anyway, what’s the point? Its tough to be the eldest in the family, but we’re not prisoners to our family, in fact, we might even be the ones who hold the key to setting our families free from the cycle of angst, pain and torment. Oh, and the Star Wars correlation? You go figure it out! May the force be with you. (nlabo)