Love and Redemption

     Despite
having been in a few (actually... few talaga...) relationships with
very unique and innately good individuals during my college days.
Girls, no, women who I'm sure also invested emotionally in the
relationship with me. (Of course hindi ito magkakasabay ah) I have
remained to be a hopeless romantic, frustrated and devasted by past
(and I mean... really old) failures in the heart department. Not to
take anything away from my former relations, there were times that I
would feel emotionally alone and depressed. Hindi ko maitanggal sa
sistema ko. I felt hopelessly consumed by the sadness and emptiness
that these failed attempts at relationships brought into my heart.
I've spent many afternoons and nights being a curled up sobbing
wreck. I could feel my chest literally tighten and seethe in pain and
angst. It would never end for me, things would go like instant replay
on my head, with me thinking of what could have been if I did or said
or planned something different, or if I wasn't such a bumbling klutz.
I guess, the main thing that I could not accept was my sheer
helplesness over my relationship situations. I could not accept that,
unlike a lot of other things in my life that have gone well (career,
studies, etc.) I couldn't micromanage and plan and dictate every
single moment or decision that would happen in a relationship. The
other half would always be controlled by the other party. And being
unable to influence the other party's judgement my way made me feel
like an impotent failure. It might seem ridiculous but you won't
understand it until you've had your heart ripped and shredded to
pieces, partly by your own depression.

      Hindi
naman ako tanga, I know what it is exactly that depresses me, and I
have tried all sorts of things to get it out of my brain. From
drowning myself in schoolwork, lashing out at my otherwise loving and
benign family, indulging in food, enveloping myself in U2 anthems,
driving like a bat-out-of-hell on my way home from nightclasses in
UST, mindnumbing battlerealms, generals, and warcraft/dota marathons,
and yes, looking for figments of this “ideal memory” in other
girls, at iba pang kalokohan. Guilty-as-charged. Mabuti nalang kamo
it didn't mess with my focus in school, and that I didn't actually
ingest any harmful substances aside from the occassional glucose,
sodium or cholesterol brought about by my food binging, and that I
didnt get anyone pregnant.

      So
anyway, whats sad (and in a way, nakakahiya) is that, aside from
that, and maybe a little stress stemming from my dad due to my line
of work (Mahirap talaga sumunod sa yapak ng ama o ng magulang), I
didn't have anything else to complain about. My family is stable, and
has actually improved lalo nung nagCFC sina ma at pa, my sisters look
up to me and respect me, and we weren't exactly hirap din in terms of
finances. In retrospect, I didn't have much of a reason to be
depressed, my family loved me, although they did intentionally limit
the praises in order to prevent my already big head from getting even
bigger, they silently supported me, and here I was totally not seeing
that, just focussed on this big gaping hole in my heart/soul that I
longed to be filled.

       Talagang
God works in mysterious ways, because my last relationship, with Jem,
was in a way, overshadowed by her being a Christian (a Baptist... if
you want to draw specifics). While, I wasn't exactly a practicing
Catholic. We would silently push the issue to the side and continue
with the regular business and dealings of a relationship, but things
blew over when the issue got forced into my face during one dinner
with her family.

       In
a way, I felt so insulted because at first I thought that she and her
family didn't repect my diluted and watered-down beliefs. But upon
thinking more about it, I realize that they only meant well. With
this, I decided that maybe I better give it a try. Tamang-tama naman,
Tim and Stef, HS classmates of mine, invited me to cell group
meetings. I only got to attend 2,and I have to say that they really
impressed me with what I saw. But, coming from a Catholic
background, I couldn't seem to allow myself to be fully immersed in
the activity, because it was a largely Born-Again group. Not na I'm
making distinctions, but thats how I feel, I couldnt comfortably let
myself go and open myself up without feeling the guilt of rebellion.
I even had to lie to my parents once just so they would allow me to
attend the cell meetings. That same week I was thinking, pano kaya
ito, will I have to lie again just for them to let me go? Sabi ko,
mali na ito, I don't think God would approve of what I'm doing. Also,
I love my parents too much to lie and to deceive them about it. I
feel guilty nga na I couldn't tell Tim and Stef about what happened
during the weeks that I dropped out of radar, sana hindi nila
masamain ito, pero napakalaking thank you sa kanilang dalawa.

     Tamang
tama naman, work conspired to rip me away from the cell-group
meetings, but then I found another way, through Singles for Christ.
Last Wednesday (third meeting na) was an epiphany, something that
I've been waiting for ever since my first heartbreak. I finally found
a love greater than any of us would ever give. That night, I felt an
overwhelming warmth sweep over me, forcing me into an intense cold
sweat. I felt Christ's Love fill the void. Nasagot lahat ng tanong at
hiling ko. Call it an anxiety attack, or call it a small miracle.

      Its
been said and heard so many times before, maybe I wasn't paying
attention, or maybe I've been numbed by the message, but God so loved
me and you, He gave us His Son, Jesus Christ, Who died on the cross,
for my sins, and yours too. Bago ko paman pasanin yung sakit at sama
ng loob na dala ng heartbreak and my other failures and humiliations
in life, dinala na niya lahat yun for me. All of a sudden, the love
and redemption that I've been aching and longing for paled in
comparison to His Love, which I could not fully measure.

       Oo
nga naman, kung mahal mo ba ako, kaya mo bang ibigay buhay mo for me?
No love could be greater. To think he did this despite my sins, yung
mga pagkukulang ko, yung mga kasobrahan ko. What did I do to deserve
this Love? Grabe!

      Wala
akong masabi. I've realized just how blessed I am, given my current
circumstances. I've realized that I want to honor His sacrifice for
me, by living my life as a tribute and testimony to Him. Of course
its going to be a long, hard road, and there will always be pitfalls
and backslides, but I know He has gone ahead of me, He knows the
way, and He's by our side. I just wish that others feel His Love the
same way that millions and billions do. He alone can fill the void.
He alone can complete you!

The Bloomfields!

Haha... sa review ata dapat ito.



Maybe because we live at opposite ends of Metro Manila, I never got to
be very close with my cousins, but of course blood is always thicker
than water, so I'd like to promote my cousin Louie's band Bloomfield,
of course its not his, as in his, but he's part of it. They have
regular gigs at Dish and RJ's Bistro in Makati.



MALUFET sila... of course I'm saying this without having seen them, but
I know they are because its different when you hear it from other
people... tsaka syempre pinsan ko yun eh. They do 60s music,
mala-Beatles+ Beach Boys... So if you're up for some oldschool rockin,
check'em out.



Haha... would you believe my cousin is the one on the right (sa colored pic) and the second from the left (in the b/w pic)

Amen!

Magbabagong buhay na ako! 



If any of my friends catch me on a backslide, please help and kick me where it hurts .

Taking a page from Venturi, Scott-Brown’s “Learning from Las Vegas”

            Having the chance to run up and down the entire length of Edsa the past few weeks, I’ve sensed a few ambient urban patterns that could be hyperlinked in terms of context to Robert Venturi and Denise Scott-Brown’s landmark book “Learning from Las Vegas.” The book was written back in the 70s during the height of Vegas’ sleazier age, wherein casino entertainment usually involved strippers and some hot starlet; instead of the more common Cirque du Soleil or Siegfried and Roy spectacle. The book talks about how the entire strip is “designed” to be experienced from a car, running at 40 or 50 miles per hour. Big signs, bright lights and oceans of asphalt parking lots served as attractions for motorists to stop by and indulge their senses and consumerist risk-taking within the monotonous book-case casinos-hotels.

 

            Come to think of it, Edsa, our metropolis main spine, acts and behaves the same way. People do not experience Edsa on foot, in fact, people try to avoid the “on-foot” scenario as much as possible. The succession of huge, flashy and creative billboards are all meant to capture your attention within the short span of time that 40-60 kph affords you. In fact, for a driver, it’s a bit frustrating, because the whole experience of Edsa is lost to the chore of maneuvering past the crazy busses.

 

            Effectively, we have a river of cars with a canyon of inaccessible mass-transit, with sidewalks-turned-into-perpendicular-parking spaces. If Edsa were a story line, we would have the Guadalupe bridge crossing as our climax, with the rest of the long road relegated to rising/falling and recurring actions. Well, why not? If Paris has the Champs Elysees, with its lined vistas and radial corridors, lining up the Place dela Concorde, the Louvre, the Arc du Triomphe and the Grand Arche La Defense, why cant we have a succession of huge signage walls/landmarks strung along our main spine?

 

The strip’s parking lots have now been converted into crazy pedestrian attractions/3d vehicular signages, the pirate battles, the dancing fountains, the man-made mountains, the volcanic eruptions… all of these are experienced both ways, on foot, and within a car. The huge neon 2d signage bulkheads have gone down and have been relegated to seedier sides of town, with the casinos pooling together to stitch a monorail system for mass transit.

 

            Of course, in terms of urban scale, the strip and Edsa are virtually miles apart considering that  the strip only strings together several large parcels of land, while Edsa stretches and tries to stitch together our sprawled/far-flung metropolis, and given this, its an even bigger task to fix just this one of our many urban corridors. Well I’m hopeful and I’m idealistic, both are relative luxuries that I can afford, considering that our urban domain evolves at a snail’s pace, I will be watching and doing my share, along with my generation of designers/architects and frustrated urban bystanders.

 

            One thing’s for sure, our city is still in its pubescent stages, and the allure and rush of knee-jerk capitalism has surely screwed up any sense of urbanity in its present stage, but if Vegas was able to evolve its strip from a sleazy, parking-lot connector in the middle of the desert, why can’t we? I don’t want to oversimplify it, but our metropolis will continue to be a fragmented and tattered mess until our political/geographical battle lines are erased and unified as a whole, with a coherent development strategy.

 

           

The Contender

This is long overdue, but I really enjoyed the series, especially the final bout, with Peter Manfredo Jr. going up against Sergio Mora. I will always have a soft spot for the good son following his dad’s footsteps (Manfredo), but I will also always root for the brainy/smart-ass strategist (Mora).

 

            And what a match it was, with Manfredo, the man born into boxing, showcasing a purebred’s pedigree, and Mora bouncing, dodging, twisting and counterpunching with as much guile and savvy. One, a good son/family man, the other a hungry street-smart, Art-of-war reading stick of a man. Both are very far from the traditional boxing stereotypes, and I cheered for both of them.

 

            I felt Manfredo’s sadness and defeat; probably even more painful than any right uppercut he received during the bout would be the sheer fact that he let his old man down. Grabe… masakit yun.

 

            But then I also cheered for Mora, this kid had the fire in the belly, the brains and the desire. Whatever it was he lacked in heft, he made up for with lethal savvy.

 

            In the end, I have to congratulate Mark Burnett for coming up with another good reality TV show. It really brings to light the human story in an otherwise brutal profession.

Seabiscuit, Shakespeare and Underdogs

Fiery post ahead... hinay hinay lang

 

“Though he be but little, He is fierce!”

 

I love this line from the movie Seabiscuit, although the line was originally lifted from one of Shakespeare’s works, I can’t seem to remember which one, (probably because I haven’t exactly done enough reading)

 

You will always see me cheering for the underdog. Last weekend, my sisters were laughing their heads off as we watched NU get clobbered by ADMU. I, on the other hand felt bad and a bit pissed at how underutilized and uncoached, not to mention, unsupported the poor Bulldogs were against a blue-chip school like Ateneo. But more than anything, its so sad to see underdogs lose their will to fight, lose their will to prove themselves against a more superior team.

 

I always see myself as the underdog, that’s the reason why I always walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a burning desire to shove it up the favorite. And I relish the challenge, the honor and the duty to lead other underdogs in doing this “shoving-up.” I enjoyed the shock and grimace on the faces of several key competitors from the “favorite” section when I beat all their 5 entries… why? Simple, because they thought they could win by throwing their balsa wood copy models at us. Ask Dino how painful it was for him to have our DCS model placed right next to a bunch of overspent Ken Yeang replicas, Ask Marts how insulting it was to be beaten by 2 fricking huge hands touching end to end! Arggghh!

 

That’s why I relished my Ayala win, because it wasn’t just for me, it was for everyone who got one-upped and politicked by good-for-nothing brownnosers and politickers from that “favorite” section… fricking editor-in-chief/bitch-in-charge cant even spell my 4 letter family name right… yun na nga lang mention niyo sa trabaho ko… the same piece of work that brought honor to our college… AND THAT INCLUDES YOU!

 

As for Jomike’s thesis-of-the-year… the guy did a great job, he deserves it, better than any sipsip from that section. It was his turn to win one for himself and for everyone else. I do not feel slighted by his win because he is also an underdog… and I will always cheer for the underdog… ALWAYS. For everyone who got slighted and boxed-out by the system and its second-handers, this one is for you!

Victoria Place Town Center - Malabon