can? CAN!

Yesterday was my 2nd-to-the-last-day at work... and that would have been a fine excuse to do a lot of things that aren't exactly work-related or productive. But, anyway. It was our weekly meeting with the client - and I still feel a massive amount of responsibility and guilt for my boss and my project (a fast-tracked set of condos here in Singapore). This entry isn't necessarily about the job itself... but allow me to digress architecturally just for colour commentary.

So... the design team went over to the client's office (near ours) to discuss project progress and revisions on the unit plans. A lot of the work during the design development stage of the project involves placating / cleverly going around stringent authority requirements and refining unit-plans, blocking plans and common area provisions and finessing them into the tight, high-efficiency areas that the client requires (sometimes reaching 90.3% net efficiency - even padding all the way up to 116% net saleable efficiency.)

Everything was going well... my 2 directors were methodically going over the unit plans with the client's gm, project and marketng managers - who were bouncing the feedback to us on the spot; me and my colleague were working on recording these comments both in drawn form and in our minutes; when all of a sudden, the client's GM makes this snide remark at my directors.

He tells my bosses (in a sarcastic tone) to send out a memo to all the Filipino (emphasis on Pinoy) draughtsmen/women written in tagalog to make sure that they properly do (insert irrelevant CAD/draughting requirement), and to get the drawings done properly.  Dalawang beses pa niya inulit yon... in front of me (who sometimes attends meetings in my office barongs - dahil minsan wala na akong masuot; and whom everyone in that room knows is a Filipino.)What's even more f*d up about this pr*ck is that he said exactly the same thing a week ago.

Now... so you have an idea... I have a lot of Filipino colleagues at work... in fact we help form the engine room of the office... and they happen to be the most capable and skilled set of architects, artists and technicians I've met- and why wouldn't they be?... when in fact they are all architecturally trained (majority are licensed back home). In other words... we all do our jobs well because to some degree... a lot of us are actually over-qualified for the job (anyway... that line of angst is for another blog post.) Now, don't get me wrong... we have a whole collection of other nationalities/ethnicities in the office as well... but... Pinoys make up a sizable chunk of the headcount.

So anyway... on both occasions (including last week's prelude) my colleagues/directors both nudged my legs and tapped me under the table to sort of convey irritation at the client's comment. (I'm sure my director was a bit worried that I might explode into a flurry of righteous indignation...)

When we got back from the meeting I told my good friend/colleague Mac (a true-blue chinoy) about what happened - and he burst out and told me I should have made a point - since I've resigned and I'm leaving anyway. Then he goes on and tells me that he too, goes to client-consultant meetings - but never heard these comments from the GM. (Maybe because... in outward appearances... he doesn't look like a pinoy... but dude I don't need to expound... Mac is as Pinoy as sisig and san miguel beer) But it just reinforces the fact... our only difference is the outward colour of our skin.

Maybe I should have stuck it to the man. Because I did feel a wave of pain go through me... and to some degree I now know what it feels to be discriminated... its as if the collective quiet pain and tongue-biting endured by millions of Pinoys abroad was channeled into my spine for a quick split-second. My toes curled as I tried to keep calm... and be the bigger man. I let it pass because it would be bad form to call him out at the expense of our firm's good standing with the client... besides... its not my fault he continues to be the ignorant bigot that he is - which makes him unworthy of a proper nationalist rebuttal. 

The day before, Obama won... and has anchored this continuum of history for the struggle of African Americans against racial bigotry. His speech at Grant Park is a monument to the progress they have made...  But please excuse me for zooming out of these incidents and looking at the big picture.

Today... millions of our fellow Filipinos work abroad and endure varying degrees of racism; used to quietly shrugging off the jabs and stereotypes to feed and raise their families out of poverty.

Slavery may have long been abolished. But one does not need to be in chains to be a slave.

The time will come... when our country and our people will not have to work for someone else - in someone else's land... til then and thereafter... we will continue to endure and be the bigger people.

Overwhelmed

Madaling araw na, at eto pa ako... gising at nagbabasa. I am overwhelmed by the sheer rush of eloquence, emotion, passion, depth, love, angst, pain, insecurity and mysterious 3rd-person descriptions of what are obviously self depictions and re-enactments of things I have totally no connection to.

Wala naman talaga akong dapat pakialam; dahil ako'y hindi naman talaga dapat nakikialam... but I have no idea why I am drawn into this storyline. Ako'y nalilito... sa dami nang iniisip at dinadamdam - mataimtim na kausap ang sarili at hindi makapaniwala, na bagaman ako'y bumitaw na sa posibilidad na makakilala ako ng tao na ganito; eto ako - staring at someone who is so full of zeal for discovering who she really is; (ayun... babae pala ang bumabagabag kay pox) expressing an unrivaled sense of self-mastery and self-introspection - while at the same time being so unselfish and giving of herself to others.

As an introvert myself, I have long grappled with my own internal struggles - trying to find out who I am and balance my existence; not because I am wounded (everyone is) but because I know I could not turn around and accomplish my outward goals, without solidifying who I am and balancing myself out. Indeed, to know thyself is the most empowering feeling; because it drives and enables you to go beyond who you are - it establishes the baselines which begin to define our lives - and allows us to realise our promise - as agents of change and as men for others.

I do not know what to make of all these thoughts. Depth is in short supply at 1 am in the morning. I just know I may have stumbled into an important realisation that is yet to coalesce and form into something concrete.

Then again... this could just be driven by hormonal, and less intellectual infatuation/attraction - destined to evaporate in due time.

I hope not. Sayang naman diba.