Despite
having been in a few (actually... few talaga...) relationships with
very unique and innately good individuals during my college days.
Girls, no, women who I'm sure also invested emotionally in the
relationship with me. (Of course hindi ito magkakasabay ah) I have
remained to be a hopeless romantic, frustrated and devasted by past
(and I mean... really old) failures in the heart department. Not to
take anything away from my former relations, there were times that I
would feel emotionally alone and depressed. Hindi ko maitanggal sa
sistema ko. I felt hopelessly consumed by the sadness and emptiness
that these failed attempts at relationships brought into my heart.
I've spent many afternoons and nights being a curled up sobbing
wreck. I could feel my chest literally tighten and seethe in pain and
angst. It would never end for me, things would go like instant replay
on my head, with me thinking of what could have been if I did or said
or planned something different, or if I wasn't such a bumbling klutz.
I guess, the main thing that I could not accept was my sheer
helplesness over my relationship situations. I could not accept that,
unlike a lot of other things in my life that have gone well (career,
studies, etc.) I couldn't micromanage and plan and dictate every
single moment or decision that would happen in a relationship. The
other half would always be controlled by the other party. And being
unable to influence the other party's judgement my way made me feel
like an impotent failure. It might seem ridiculous but you won't
understand it until you've had your heart ripped and shredded to
pieces, partly by your own depression.
Hindi
naman ako tanga, I know what it is exactly that depresses me, and I
have tried all sorts of things to get it out of my brain. From
drowning myself in schoolwork, lashing out at my otherwise loving and
benign family, indulging in food, enveloping myself in U2 anthems,
driving like a bat-out-of-hell on my way home from nightclasses in
UST, mindnumbing battlerealms, generals, and warcraft/dota marathons,
and yes, looking for figments of this “ideal memory” in other
girls, at iba pang kalokohan. Guilty-as-charged. Mabuti nalang kamo
it didn't mess with my focus in school, and that I didn't actually
ingest any harmful substances aside from the occassional glucose,
sodium or cholesterol brought about by my food binging, and that I
didnt get anyone pregnant.
So
anyway, whats sad (and in a way, nakakahiya) is that, aside from
that, and maybe a little stress stemming from my dad due to my line
of work (Mahirap talaga sumunod sa yapak ng ama o ng magulang), I
didn't have anything else to complain about. My family is stable, and
has actually improved lalo nung nagCFC sina ma at pa, my sisters look
up to me and respect me, and we weren't exactly hirap din in terms of
finances. In retrospect, I didn't have much of a reason to be
depressed, my family loved me, although they did intentionally limit
the praises in order to prevent my already big head from getting even
bigger, they silently supported me, and here I was totally not seeing
that, just focussed on this big gaping hole in my heart/soul that I
longed to be filled.
Talagang
God works in mysterious ways, because my last relationship, with Jem,
was in a way, overshadowed by her being a Christian (a Baptist... if
you want to draw specifics). While, I wasn't exactly a practicing
Catholic. We would silently push the issue to the side and continue
with the regular business and dealings of a relationship, but things
blew over when the issue got forced into my face during one dinner
with her family.
In
a way, I felt so insulted because at first I thought that she and her
family didn't repect my diluted and watered-down beliefs. But upon
thinking more about it, I realize that they only meant well. With
this, I decided that maybe I better give it a try. Tamang-tama naman,
Tim and Stef, HS classmates of mine, invited me to cell group
meetings. I only got to attend 2,and I have to say that they really
impressed me with what I saw. But, coming from a Catholic
background, I couldn't seem to allow myself to be fully immersed in
the activity, because it was a largely Born-Again group. Not na I'm
making distinctions, but thats how I feel, I couldnt comfortably let
myself go and open myself up without feeling the guilt of rebellion.
I even had to lie to my parents once just so they would allow me to
attend the cell meetings. That same week I was thinking, pano kaya
ito, will I have to lie again just for them to let me go? Sabi ko,
mali na ito, I don't think God would approve of what I'm doing. Also,
I love my parents too much to lie and to deceive them about it. I
feel guilty nga na I couldn't tell Tim and Stef about what happened
during the weeks that I dropped out of radar, sana hindi nila
masamain ito, pero napakalaking thank you sa kanilang dalawa.
Tamang
tama naman, work conspired to rip me away from the cell-group
meetings, but then I found another way, through Singles for Christ.
Last Wednesday (third meeting na) was an epiphany, something that
I've been waiting for ever since my first heartbreak. I finally found
a love greater than any of us would ever give. That night, I felt an
overwhelming warmth sweep over me, forcing me into an intense cold
sweat. I felt Christ's Love fill the void. Nasagot lahat ng tanong at
hiling ko. Call it an anxiety attack, or call it a small miracle.
Its
been said and heard so many times before, maybe I wasn't paying
attention, or maybe I've been numbed by the message, but God so loved
me and you, He gave us His Son, Jesus Christ, Who died on the cross,
for my sins, and yours too. Bago ko paman pasanin yung sakit at sama
ng loob na dala ng heartbreak and my other failures and humiliations
in life, dinala na niya lahat yun for me. All of a sudden, the love
and redemption that I've been aching and longing for paled in
comparison to His Love, which I could not fully measure.
Oo
nga naman, kung mahal mo ba ako, kaya mo bang ibigay buhay mo for me?
No love could be greater. To think he did this despite my sins, yung
mga pagkukulang ko, yung mga kasobrahan ko. What did I do to deserve
this Love? Grabe!
Wala
akong masabi. I've realized just how blessed I am, given my current
circumstances. I've realized that I want to honor His sacrifice for
me, by living my life as a tribute and testimony to Him. Of course
its going to be a long, hard road, and there will always be pitfalls
and backslides, but I know He has gone ahead of me, He knows the
way, and He's by our side. I just wish that others feel His Love the
same way that millions and billions do. He alone can fill the void.
He alone can complete you!
Uh... hindi po... 
